I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
