I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
