So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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