I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
