I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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