A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
