end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize