So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize