A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
do herpes really smell.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize