Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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