Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
