Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
