I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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