Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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