Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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