The maid of honor just puked.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
