You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
time to smoke my breakfast
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize