I feel like I'm in dance class right now
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
