hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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