In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
