The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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