i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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