Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So here I am, sexting at work.
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