ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
