no, he came in my armpit
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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