Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
