I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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