I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
