dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
