...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
