...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
