Can Purell be used as lube?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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