How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
