my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
