i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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