She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
