Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
