I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
