My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize