Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
