I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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