It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
