Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize