my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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