I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
