Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
