i wish there were pregnant emoticons
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize