Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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