i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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