non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
