Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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