I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
