i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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