Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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