There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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