she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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