The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
