OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize