Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
