i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
