Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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