WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
