I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
