it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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