I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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