if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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