I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
